free web hit counter
free invisible web counter Car Guard in Constantia Cape Town

Car Guard Carguard in Constantia by Bib

Vaal River Dinner Party Boat Cruise
Hout Bay Boat Charters and Cruises South Africa
Mr Bike Helmet Novelty Pisspot Cape Town
Boat Charters Cruises Trips
Restaurants Entertainment Info Sea Point Cape Town
Videographer Film Movie Maker Cape Town
Laughter Yoga Therapy Functions Team Building Cape Town
Boat Charters Cruises Trips
Kruger Park Big 5 Game Safari Tours
CAR GUARD
in Constantia
Bib
The names, places and events in this book are real,
this is to protect the innocent names, places and events that had nothing to do with it.
                          
Dedicated to Donna.

Soundtrack: www.carguard.org
Also available as an Interactive Book on
www.carguard.zxq.net 
bib@aaax.co.za
DRESS LADY AND SON

Sunday.
18th September 2001

This most amazing lady has been coming to my site for a walk. She is tall and slender and has shoulder length jet-black shiny hair. She has pale green eyes and is very attractive. She is a lady, she walks and she talks like a lady, she has class, she is sophisticated and maybe too far out of my league. Her son is about nine so she must be in her early thirties. She always wears long dresses and even though slender she has well-rounded hips and her breasts are more than sufficient. She has a lovely smile her fair skin contrasting with her hair. She’s been my ‘Number One’ lady on this site for some time.

The dress lady always brings her son for a walk and you can see she’s a good and compassionate mother. She’s arrived twice with a man but there doesn’t seem to be any affection between them and the son calls him by his name.

The dress lady drives a mediocre car and seems natural and unpretentious; she’s also bashful which makes her even more attractive. I wonder if she would give a Parking Directer a second glance. She is my new vision of the ideal partner; I’m tired of blondes and it’s time for me to settle down again. She wears limited jewellery depending on her attire
but she does not wear a wedding ring.

GOODBYE WANDA... HELLO…?

I’ve just got over my last serious relationship. I fell in love with a very beautiful blonde and green-eyed woman. Her name is Hilda, but she always refers to herself as: ‘THE HILDA’. I ran away to Johannesburg to help me to forget her and wrote a book about her; which was the worst thing to do to try and forget someone. When I came back to Cape Town after a year, I went out with THE HILDA again but soon realised that I could not live in her environment so we broke up, but I still loved her.

The book I wrote about THE HILDA is called: ‘THE HILDA, BEEN THERE, GOT THE TEE SHIRT.’ I’ve dedicated it to Dylan, my son. It started out as a journal because I suspected that strange things were going to happen, which they did and it expanded into a five hundred and fifty-page book. I’ve spent two years and almost eighteen hours a day last year on it. It’s almost finished; all it really needs is an editor. I have this dream/vision now of meeting a beautiful editor, falling madly in love and writing books together.

One of the part-time bartenders at
The Corner Bar Main Road, Sea Point’s name is Wanda. She has short blonde hair and is fairly attractive. Knowing that THE HILDA frequents the bar quite often I made a play for Wanda to make THE HILDA jealous. Wanda and I starting going out; which ultimately was pointless because THE HILDA stopped going to The Corner Bar. But I got used to Wanda and needed a social partner and someone to help me with my projects and business ventures. But Wanda is not that bright and cannot comprehend much of what I’m doing therefore she has no interest. If Wanda took an IQ test the results would be negative. Now the other thing that really puts me off Wanda is her ‘bushman’s butt’. Just when you think you have felt it all, which would have been acceptable, there’s another whole butt attached to it! I don’t enjoy making love to her either so there’s no point in continuing with the relationship. I have buried myself in my work to avoid her and eventually last week she gave me the ‘just friends’ tee shirt.
‘Sorry Bib, I like you but I cannot have a relationship with you. We have totally different time schedules and I hardly ever see you and you are always working. We can still go out but ‘just as friends’; I need some space and I can’t sit around waiting for you the whole time.’
Which suites me down to the ground!

I’m staying at
Brown Sugar Backpackers and I have a room, an excuse for a double bed on bricks, my computer is on crates, there are no curtains, no cupboards, no carpets, just bare walls in urgent need of paint which disguises the numerous cockroaches on their travels and that’s it. It’s quite expensive but I pay weekly; I couldn’t afford the deposit and a whole month’s rent for an apartment when I first moved here. I must find alternative accommodation soon; this is not a place you can bring home someone sophisticated.


THE CONCERT


Saturday
22nd September 2001

I've invited Wanda out for tonight to go and see Rodriguez (an American sixties singer that South Africa made famous) a date made before I got the ‘just friends’ tee shirt; so it’ll probably be our last.

2:04 p.m. The
'dress lady' arrives at my site with her son. She has a long dress on again but today it’s a ‘Gucci’ knitted body fit and with her tastefully limited jewellery she is looking very chic, elegant and majestic; she is so lovely. What a fantasy come true it would be to have a lady like her. How does a Parking Directer get a Queen?

The dress lady and her son go for their walk in the forest. As she walks passed me she gives me this incredible smile; it’s almost personal. Surely she wouldn’t smile like that with just anybody?

After an hour they come back from their walk and I get that very same smile again! They get into her ‘non-pretentious’ car to leave.
The Queen stops her car in front of me her arm extended out the window with some coins in her well-manicured lady’s hand. She smiles, the smile, tilting her head shyly, her incredibly shining and soft hair falling over her face, some of it sticking to her ruby red, moist lips.
‘Is it still four rand?’ the Queen asks bashfully.
‘No it's five now but you're a regular so you only have to pay two.’ I say.
‘How do you know that I am a regular?’ she inquires with a smile seemingly flattered because I’ve recognised her.
‘…How do you recognise me with so many other people that come here? …Oh! By my registration number!’ she says proudly now that she thinks she’s worked that one out; she’s seen my clipboard.
‘No… you're hard to forget.’ I say not looking at her. ‘Here's a 'REGULAR@CECILIA' sticker and from now on you only have to pay two rand.’ I smile. She smiles back. It’s the smile.
‘So where do you want me to…err… stick it?’ she asks mischievously.
‘Err…Anywhere.’ I say; what did she want me to say?
‘That opens up many possibilities.’ she giggles. ‘Thank you err.....'  She's even a little raunchy. I would never even glance at another woman for the rest of my life if I had a lady like this. How do I become King Bib? What is the Queen's name?
‘Bib, my name is Bib. And yours? …I need it for the records.’
‘Bib? Like a baby's bib?’ she titters.
‘Yes… I dribble a lot.’ I say.
Especially with women like you around.
‘Bib! That’s a name you don’t hear everyday… I guess you do…’ she giggles. ‘but I guess other people don’t?’
She appraises and smiles.
‘…My name is Anna.’
My first success! That’s a good enough start.
‘Have a great day, Anna.’ I say backing off from her car.
‘Bye...  Bib!?’ Queen Anna drives off.

God please may I have that lady; I promise I've been a good boy.

Hello I love you
Won’t you tell me your name?
Hello I love you
Let me play in your game

Hello I Love You: Doors

I go to pick up Wanda in
THE KOMBI.

I’ve had THE KOMBI half campervan 1973 model for the last four years. It always gives trouble no matter how much I spend on fixing it; I could have bought two brand new Kombis with the money I have already spent. And I can’t get rid of it either because I can’t afford another car because of all the money I spend on it. A typical catch 22. I’ve been everywhere with it and she could write her own book. THE KOMBI always breaks down at the most crucial times almost on cue and in spite. There are many tales to tell and I’ll always hate her. I refer to her as an ‘it’ or she gets too domineering.

Driving along to Wanda’s I’m still thinking about Anna. What style, elegance, grace and even a little mischievous, am I aiming too high?

Wanda is all in white tonight: white pleated dress - hiding her ‘bushman’s butt’ extremely well, white shawl, stockings, shoes, costume jewellery and bag. She is looking very good… almost virginal. I’m all in black, as usual.

Wanda boards THE KOMBI. She wet kisses and hugs me hello as well as gives Ho a little welcome pat.
'I knew you'd be dressed all in black.' She smiles.
Wanda holds my hand on her leg while I’m driving, which had become a habit in our old relationship. THE KOMBI is jealous and starts playing up. The further we drive the further Wanda puts my hand up her dress.

There is only small talk on the way to the theatre, Wanda doesn’t ask or show any interest in my work or any of my projects. We reach the theatre before my hand gets wet.

I park THE KOMBI on a slope miles away from the theatre in case it doesn’t want to start and go home. It can’t lock either and it has no ignition so I’ll have to take my chances, but who would want to steal such an old crock?  I better not think that, ‘it’ might hear me.

We hike through the felt to get to the theatre and Wanda’s virginal outfit needs de-blackjacking and de-grassing before we can go in. The security guard winks and smiles at me thinking I’ve just scored a virgin in the bush.
 
We make an entrance! I must admit Wanda is looking very good and the black and white combination of the two of us is working very well; people are noticing us! I order beers at the bar and we sit down in the lounge. While I’m pouring Wanda’s beer into a glass she grabs the other beer and starts drinking it out of the bottle. Well I don’t think the ‘Queen’ would have done that. Wanda almost finishes her beer in one gulp!

We talk: Wanda is no longer working at The Corner Bar, now she only cuts men’s hair and/or massages them for a salon in Sea Point.
‘What do you think of me wearing only lingerie while I cut my customer’s hair?’ she asks.
With all due respect; then I’d prefer to have my haircut blindfolded.
‘Why? Your customers will molest you, is that what you want?’
‘No, I just thought it would be nice for them and I’d get more customers.’
‘Do you wear only lingerie when you massage them?’
‘No, then I would really get harassed, I have enough problems as it is. That's why they call me the 'wet fish' called Wanda.’
‘So then don’t worry about the lingerie.’ I say.
'Do you know why they call me the 'wet fish' called Wanda?’
'Yes, I can imagine.'
'They say that if I had to go spear-fishing in Mauritius you wouldn't be able to see me for all the fish that would be feeding off of me.'

Spare me or spear me!

We have some admirers congregating around us: single men, pairs of men and a few ladies. Wanda has made eye contact with one of the males.
‘Bib, get us another beer, the show starts in ten minutes!’
I go to the bar and I take my time; I want Wanda to meet someone else. On my way back I notice a guy sitting in my chair being very aflame towards Wanda. I take a wide berth and I only come back after he’s left.

‘The show’s about to start; we can drink our beers inside.’ says Wanda grabbing a beer and my hand and leading us into the theatre.

The theatre/hall has a wooden floor, loose fold-up metal chairs and a stage at one end. There are about two thousand patrons. Wanda leads me to some chairs near the back; the guy she was talking to earlier is nearby. We sit down.
‘Remember we are just friends Bib… and I’ve been out of circulation for a while. Get us another beer Bib, mine’s finished; get us two beers each.’ says Wanda.
Rodriguez comes on stage and the band starts playing.
I’m not really in the mood for this, especially not with Wanda. I slowly go and get the drinks.

When I get back everybody is standing and dancing. Wanda is standing on the rickety chair and dancing wildly; her new-found friend is next to her. Wanda introduces us.
‘This is Bib, my friend. Bib this is Marco, he’s from Argentina and he doesn't speak much English.’
I shake Marco’s hand and smile.
Wanda is showing off, she lifts her dress while dancing exposing her obnoxious arse. I casually move a chair further away.

I wonder, how many times you’ve had sex,
I wonder do you know who’ll be next…

I Wonder: Rodreguez

Wanda screams:
Hey I wouldn’t throw your shoes out from under my bed.’
Everybody is looking at her. I move another chair away; I’m just an acquaintance, I hardly know her. Marco’s her boyfriend.
‘Get us some more beer Bib.’ Shouts Wanda. ‘And get Marco one too.’
‘Here I’ve got more.’ I say. I still have two beers.
I hand one to Marco and he thanks me.
Wanda almost finishes her beer in two gulps messing most of it down the front of her pure white dress.

I wonder if the Queen likes Rodriguez? Probably she would prefer an orchestra. I know the second violinist for the Cape Town Philharmonic and their
Ravel’s Bolero is awe-inspiring. I’ve attended many concerts and normally half the strings section lands up chatting with me at interval. That could impress a Queen!

Wanda goes off to the toilet. Marco starts making diminutive English small talk and eventually he comes around to asking me about Wanda.
‘We’re just friends and I know her, she likes you, she told me so, I’d take her home tonight if I were you.’ I say using my hands as much as possible to help him understand. I point in the direction Wanda went, I point at him and gesture a pelvic thrust when I say 'home tonight'.
The sooner I can end this the better.

Wanda comes back from the toilet.
‘The ladies loo had such a long queue, I couldn't wait so I used the men’s loo.’ she laughs. ‘You should have seen the shock in the men’s faces and how they all tried to hide their willies from me. ‘

Sugar man I’m weary, of the double games I hear…
Sugar Man: Rodreguez


‘Yeah! Yeah!’ screams Wanda jumping back onto the chair. The chair tipples and Wanda falls flat on her arse and arse. She makes such a noise crashing into the other chairs that Rodriguez almost stops playing; everyone is looking!
I help her up making sure she’s okay.
‘I’m alright, I’m fine! I’m fine everybody.’ Wanda screams to the audience… as if they cared, getting back up on the chair holding onto my shoulder for support.
‘Bib get us another beer. She screams turning to me, she’s forgotten to lower her voice! The audience bursts into laughter and even Rodriguez has a chuckle. I’ve got to get out of this limelight!
‘I’m going to get more beer.’ I quickly whisper to Marco and wink at him with a little jerk of my hips.

Once out of the limelight I take a very slow walk to the bar; I hope Wanda’s not there when I get back; Marco now’s your chance! I spend quite a long time chatting up the bar lady. Just before I get the bar lady’s telephone number I wonder back. That should have given Marco enough time to get to the point. Please let it be so.

Wanda is by herself; Marco is not here! …Maybe he's gone to the toilet?
‘Where’s Marco? I bought him a beer.’ I say desperately.
‘I’ll have it.’ says Wanda grabbing both beers. ‘…with all this beer and dancing I let off one hell of a fart.’ Wanda laughs. ‘…and I think I put him off.’
I don't think he needed any interpretations for that… when is this show going to end?

Eventually the show does end. The theatre has only one exit; we have to stand in a long queue to get out. Wanda is still dancing and singing… the completely wrong words and totally out of tune. Everyone is still looking at us.
‘What are you looking at? Creep! I’ll slap you.’ Wanda says to a guy nearby.
The guy gives me a threatening look.
Wanda you’re on your own; I’m not getting involved in a fight for you; I look the other way.
The guy taps me on the shoulder.
‘Hey prick! Shut your woman up… or else.’ He says; he is looking for a fight.
‘Sorry, she’s not my woman she's just a friend.' I say out loud so that everybody around us can hear. 'And she’s had too much to drink.’
I grab Wanda's hand before she slaps the man and force her in the opposite direction through the crowd.

I must find a way to end this ‘friendship’, the more I’m with Wanda the more I’m repulsed by her. She doesn’t have any culture, finesse, style, elegance or grace.

We board THE KOMBI.
‘You can sleep at my place tonight, I’m not going to your dump, I’ve got some beers in the fridge.’ She says.
Marco where are you?
‘I thought you said we were ‘just friends’ and that you need your space?'
'So!'
'So… if your space is been filled by someone else I’d rather not fill it.’
‘Oh! So I’m not good enough for you anymore? Well fuck me!’
‘No thank you I’d rather not!’
We have a heated and insultive argument all the way to her place.
I stop THE KOMBI at the entrance to her building waiting for her to get out. 
‘Have a good… life.’ I say.
‘I was before I met you!’ she says slamming THE KOMBI door.
That’s the end!
Time for new beginnings. Any lady Queens available?

If I were the king of the world
I’d tell you what I’d do
Joy to the World: Three Dog Night
 
 
 
PART 1
COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT

IN 1994
Action Adventure Africa Xtreme
Shark Adventures eXtreme
CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 2 >>

Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
Car Guard in Constantia by Bib.
CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 1

DRESS LADY AND SON
GOODBYE WANDA... HELLO...?
THE CONCERT

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 2

THE LETTER
ANT... TICIPATION
NOT A BAD EFFORT
QUEEN'S CRIT
I OWE YOU A CUP OF COFFEE
YOU STILL OWE ME A CUP OF COFFEE
LET'S HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE
HELLO WHO?

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 3

THE HILDA SPANNER
LAZERS
TWO DAYS IN THE MOUNTAINS
THE WILD BUNCH
A LOT OF TROUBLE

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 4

MOUNTAIN DELAY
WORKING ORDER
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
WIRES CROSSED
JUST FRIENDS

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 5

CURSE YOU

MOUNTAIN MAN TO THE RESCUE
DETAILS TO FOLLOW
EFFULGENT WOMAN
SO COOL
WHAT'S UP DOC

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 6

THANKS I WILL
NO MORE SLEEPS
SUNRISE
HO THRASHING
NO HO
MAKE IT OR FAKE IT
PROVERBIAL BUM

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 7

BIRTHDAY QUEEN
COUSIN BIP
CHRISTMAS EVE
NEXT CHRISTMAS
BROWN SUGAR
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER
DEBRA

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 8

CRYSTAL
IT NEVER RAINS BUT POURS
DYING
NEW YEAR'S DAY
THE SECOND DAY OF THE WORLD NEW ORDER

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 9

THE THIRD DAY
QUEEN FOR THE HIGHT
MORNING HAS BROKEN

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 10

IT'S RAINING IN MY HEART
CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 1

DRESS LADY AND SON
GOODBYE WANDA... HELLO...?
THE CONCERT

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 2

THE LETTER
ANT... TICIPATION
NOT A BAD EFFORT
QUEEN'S CRIT
I OWE YOU A CUP OF COFFEE
YOU STILL OWE ME A CUP OF COFFEE
LET'S HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE
HELLO WHO?

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 3

THE HILDA SPANNER
LAZERS
TWO DAYS IN THE MOUNTAINS
THE WILD BUNCH
A LOT OF TROUBLE

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 4

MOUNTAIN DELAY
WORKING ORDER
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
WIRES CROSSED
JUST FRIENDS

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 5

CURSE YOU

MOUNTAIN MAN TO THE RESCUE
DETAILS TO FOLLOW
EFFULGENT WOMAN
SO COOL
WHAT'S UP DOC

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 6

THANKS I WILL
NO MORE SLEEPS
SUNRISE
HO THRASHING
NO HO
MAKE IT OR FAKE IT
PROVERBIAL BUM

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 7

BIRTHDAY QUEEN
COUSIN BIP
CHRISTMAS EVE
NEXT CHRISTMAS
BROWN SUGAR
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER
DEBRA

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 8

CRYSTAL
IT NEVER RAINS BUT POURS
DYING
NEW YEAR'S DAY
THE SECOND DAY OF THE WORLD NEW ORDER

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 9

THE THIRD DAY
QUEEN FOR THE HIGHT
MORNING HAS BROKEN

CAR GUARD IN CONSTANTIA PART 10

IT'S RAINING IN MY HEART
KRUGER PARK BIG 5 GAME SAFARI TOURS
BOAT CHARTERS
LAUGHTER YOGA THERAPY
CAPE TOWN
Laughter Yoga Therapy Cape Town
VIDEOGRAPHER
Sea Point
Restaurants
NEW YEAR'S EVE BOAT CRUISES
MR HELMET NOVILTY PISSPOT
CAPE TOWN
Hout Bay Boat Charter Cruises Cape Town
HOUT BAY BOAT CHARTERS
VAAL RIVER DINNER PARTY BOAT CRUISES
AAAX GIFT VOUCHERS

Car Guard in Constantia by Bib